Maybe it's not relaxation you need. Maybe it's something else
Why we need to be more discerning about what we need
Dear letter reader,
I know there are so many tips, tricks, tools and strategies out there to help us relax. My work offers much of this too…
AND…
It’s not always relaxation that we need.
If you listened to the audio letter I sent out last week, I shared a practice with you for when you just can’t relax and rest, and why it’s important that we don’t force our nervous system into states that it’s just not ready for.
So before we can know what we need, we have to be able to identify the state that we’re already in within our autonomic nervous system.
Here’s a guide to your autonomic nervous system and how to identify where it’s at and what you need.
Our autonomic nervous system has 2 branches:
The sympathetic and the parasympathetic
The sympathetic
When this branch of the nervous system is in action, it triggers our 'fight or flight' mode. This is a very old survival state and was super useful when life was dangerous and we had to fight or run (flight) away from tigers etc. It prepares us to take action. In modern life, we generally don't have to deal with such things, but our 'fight or flight' mode kicks in when we sense threat or danger. Depending on our individual upbringing, environment, physiology and current life situation, we may have a pattern of going into this mode or getting stuck in this mode more often than is necessary. A healthy, regulated nervous system will go into sympathetic mode in order to react to a threatening/stressful situation, and when that situation is over, it should return to the parasympathetic branch.
The parasympathetic
This branch is found in the 'vagus nerve'. The vagus nerve is divided into two parts - the ventral vagal pathway and the dorsal vagal pathway.
The ventral vagal pathway is our 'safe and social' mode. We will be in this part of our nervous system when we feel safe, calm, and connected to ourselves and others. A regulated nervous system should hang out in this state most of the time, and be able to flexibly move into others states when needed and then return here.
The dorsal vagal pathway is our 'freeze' mode. This part of our nervous system takes over when we feel unable to 'fight or flight' the threatening or stressful situation. It is a survival response and protects us by shutting down.
(I hope this is making sense - this is a very brief rundown of 'Polyvagal theory' by Stephen Porges and if you're curious you can read this handout here that I share with my clients).
Signs that you’re in a ‘sympathetic’ state (fight/flight)
Some feelings, thoughts and behaviours you may experience in this state….
a sense of urgency/on edge, anxious, irritable, restless, unable to relax, defensive, rushing, ‘not enough’, tension in the body, lack of focus, distracted, aggressive, sense of dread, make rash decisions, unable to plan, lack of humour, disconnected from yourself and others, outbursts of emotion, an underlying sense of unease
What can help
If there is no immediate threatening/stressful situation then being in this state is coming from past survival energy that’s lingering in the body. So we want to encourage our nervous system into our ventral vagal state.
Gentle movement - walking, dancing, shaking excess energy from the body.
Orientation - connecting to the environment through the senses (you can listen to an audio of this here)
Connecting to someone - speaking with someone you feel safe and calm with, maybe having a hug or massage
Regulating the breath - coherent breathing - a steady, equal breath, in for 5 and out for 5 for a few minutes.
Signs you’re in a parasympathetic dorsal vagal state (freeze)
Some feelings, thoughts and behaviours you may experience in this state….
Unmotivated, hopelessness, lack of control, fatigue, lethargic, procrastinating, numb, depressed, isolated, cut off from the world, avoidance, hiding, cold, low self-worth,
What can help
This is where we don’t want relaxation techniques! Even meditation in this state is not helpful and can take us further into shutdown.
Our system is shut down and needs waking up with gentle stimulation. We want our nervous system to move through the sympathetic state and into the ventral vagal state.
Cold exposure - splashing cold water on the wrists, face, neck, or use a cold flannel
Movement - walking, jogging, yoga, rocking - get your heart rate up and pause to feel your heart beating and lungs pumping
Patting down the body - lightly tapping the head down the body to the toes
Journaling - free thinking by writing any thoughts down on the page
Connecting to others - send a message to a friend, watch some comedy, go to place where others are
Listen to music - something upbeat that makes you want to move your body
These lists are not exhaustive and there is some crossover in suggestions. The important thing is that you take this knowledge of your own nervous system and start to identify what you need on any given day.
The greatest power lies in us understanding and trusting ourselves so that we can be more discerning about what makes us feel good :)
I would love to know if you have any questions or comments about this (I know it was a long one today!)…..
Sending warm vibes
Leah
PS Ways you can work with me - check out my coaching experiences here and book in a call with any questions